Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Stories of my intentions to burn you

I know I'm usually the one who keeps it obvious, saying who, what, where, why and what time it was, complete sentences, whole paragraphs, never publish anything under three drafts. But you don't mind today if I keep it kind of vague, since nobody's watching and I'm not getting paid. Give me just a moment to be sincere and I'll be caustic and irreverent for the rest of the year. I'm just playing so don't mind it, if it doesn't suit you rewind it, walk away but be kind to it. Forget what really happened, I'm no encyclopedia, I'm much more inclined to go by way of social media. I prefer my life to have a little friction anyway, take truth with a side of fiction any day.

What I thought was this: waking life was truth, at least something around that, but things keep landing on me that make me doubt that. There are some ideas the laws of physics can't allow- if you walk past the edge, you should be on your way down. Something happened not long ago that shattered my nerves, I got treated with less than any person deserves. I could go on, but I won't bother to explain it, if you've never been there then there's no way you'd understand it. I didn't know better than to walk away, so I stayed put and it didn't go away. But after it was over, I changed, I took a vow- and I've been punishing him for two years now- until it got too easy, till it wasn't any fun, till I saw it'd twisted the person I'd become. Just a little bit, not a lot, not entirely- but where there was water once, there's fire. See?

I don't talk about it often, I don't like to complain, but everything inside me deserves to be named. Understand that? Ever feel the same? Inside you go wild but day to day you keep it tame. Listen to me now, respect or make fun of it, just get it all out and find a way to be done with it. If you've got it, than share it, it's worth it I swear it- alone you will buckle but together we'll bare it. When you feel worthless, impossibly down, the way to make it hurt less is to give it a sound. And it's good to remember, as you're going over, nothing is as good or bad as it seems in the moment.

I miss my life sitting down by the water, ten kids and the boys, every day another offer. They tell me it was transient, it would have to end someday, but that's one more year of staying clear of the mundane. I wouldn't mind one more spin around with those people, don't know what it was that said you'd better leave or something would go wrong, you'll be held under water for a bit too long, or worse, one them, there have been some close calls, you can only hold on so long before you fall.

Why is that? Don't ask me, it's just a formula involving strength and gravity.

The effects wore on, the anger was belated, it's not relevant now but it's all related. The moment may be past, but this summer might have cured me. As I was running North I heard a voice reassure me. I stayed in a house that was built like a ship, with rigging and masts and extremely well lit. Thoughts became effortless but regret is gigantic, so just for one weekend I chose to go manic. I became so impatient, a professional go-getter, and the hole I had known was a wave- even better. I didn't mind the beat downs, I like them, felt powerful, what was it about this gave me so much doubt before?

The offer just wasn't in time for me, I wanted my life to have more variety. And I'd never want to turn friendship into enemies but sometimes these things happen, just inevitably. My jacket's in the closet and my lessons were taught, it was time to stop moving- at least, that's what I thought. I guess what I hoped was, it's time to shoot straight, leave it behind and make a clean break. Now I'm not really sure that I have what it takes. But don't sweat it too much, it could still be your turn- have you ever made a list of all the things you could burn?

1 comment:

Cassandra said...

I love this. It feels like a personal (almost invasively private) conversation built out of poetry that just floats atop the surafce. It's wonderful. I have read it 3 times now but I know I will read it again and again until I feel like I've caught everything!