Thursday, May 12, 2011

More adventures of the paper heart

 When someone tells you that they are not in love with you and they are going to leave you, you should be appreciative. You don't have to say thank you, you really should not say thank you, but you should know that this is the best thing.

And you should be grateful that they told you this now, as opposed to later, and that they told you this before they went off and found somebody else, as opposed to after they'd already found somebody else. Assuming that this is correct.

Someone said this to me on Monday night. "I'm not in love with you, and while I think you're (positive adjective, positive adjective), I can't settle for being with someone I'm not in love with." It hurt like a blunt object to the forehead, but I knew enough to appreciate the honesty, the brevity.

Which is not to say I didn't act psycho because oh yes I did. For one hour, exactly. I turned over in bed and refused to speak. Then I cried because he was leaving me. Then I cried because I had left other people and I'm just now realizing how much I must have hurt them and I hate hurting people. Then I swore and got angry and told him not to touch me. Then I said, "why aren't you touching me?" And then I stormed out of the room to get a glass of water and then I slunk back in and curled up with him and fell asleep. I had just sailed through Elizabeth Keubler-Ross's five stages of grief in one go, and in the morning I felt just fine.

It wasn't that I was in love with him. I wasn't. I like him very, very, very, very much and I enjoyed every minute spent together. I was not left heartbroken when he left but I was left facing that awful question:  if he couldn't fall in love with me, well, why not?

And then you go on sort of a limping scavenger hunt into your psyche and you collect all of your flaws and you weigh them and sort them and you try and piece together an answer.

It's not an ideal way to spend an afternoon.

What's funny is that I've been dating someone for a while but didn't write about it on this blog, because I was afraid we'd break up before we really became official, and then we did break up before we really became official, and now I'm writing about it.


bramski said...

I'm not sure I like your thinking Lina. Thanking someone for hurting you is a bit silly. This isn't exactly like when your friend saves you from a moving car and breaks your arm, nor like when your parents made you eat your veggies.

Mind you, I've not been on the receiving end of this equation, but I've not seen it as doing that person a favor. It's the gentlemanly thing to do, and in the end it is better for both of you; Being appreciative of such an action is a bit too nice though I think. In the end, realizing that it's better for both of you is the right conclusion. My usual thinking when I've done the breaking up because "I'm not in love with this girl" is that I do like this person and would like them not to hate me. Moreover, I concluded that the action reflected the sort of person I wanted to be.

Sorry for your loss Melina. You're an awesome person. Hope you enjoyed my postcard!

elissa said...

sigh. you write it so well, though.

hey, I love you!

Kelle said...

Okay, the last two sentences made me laugh. And I love your honesty your "this sucks" bluntness, and your ability to dig through it. Always loving your writing and honesty.

Melina said...

Kelle- I love that you're your comment dings in my inbox as I'm about half way through your latest post ;)

Adriana Iris said...

the fear of jinxing yourself jinxed you?!... let's blame it on the randomness of human nature. great post (add many positive adjectives) but I'll be back...

Baby By The Sea said...

I felt this in my heart while reading your words.
Bummer, and beyond that. It's hard when deep, deep down we already know things about ourselves and it takes someone else to uncover it for you.
I know we write about what we know. Maybe you are now writing about something you always knew. It's good to write about where you go from here. Where Monday's story takes you in the future. I'm sorry you're hurting. I hope this weekend brings you peace.
The whales are back in abundance around here. Maybe one will swim south for you.

Joseph said...

Hey Melina, Thank you for sharing this personal story of heartbreak. I had a similar breakup happen a few weeks ago and it is encouraging to read the truth that it is better to breakup now if it isn't the right person and/or time. Thanks, Your favorite teller.

elissa said...

i love this line:

And then you go on sort of a limping scavenger hunt into your psyche and you collect all of your flaws and you weigh them and sort them and you try and piece together an answer.

and i love you, of course.

Bethany said...

Hugs to you Melina. Keep your chin up, he will happen, when you least expect it to.