Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Squirrel Shirt

Local news anchors barely feign enthusiasm for Squirrel T-shirt incentive gift during pledge drive. 

Rest of day follows suit.

Those are my headlines for this Tuesday. At 7:30am I woke up and could not fall back asleep. I decided to make a go out of it, so I went to my desk, opened my computer and drank some black tea. It would have been coffee, but we're reigning in the budget. After about an hour of sitting there tapping my fingers against my knees, I realized there was no reason to be awake. No reason at all that I could think of.  So I returned to my bed, pulled the blue sheets around me and looked up at the ceiling fan.

After a while, it appeared there was no reason to be there, either.

So I thought of the thing I wanted to do least in the whole world. Sometimes when inspiration is lacking, the best bet is to prove yourself right. Get up, get out there, and do the tedious stuff like arguing with health insurance or trying to convince a doctor that you really do need a refill of sleeping pills. Or anything involving the post office. That way, if you're feeling shitty about your self and the world, at least you'll feel validated. And, when you feel better the next day or maybe next week, you won't have to ruin a perfectly nice day.

So I went to the tire store and got my front tire patched. I waited there for two hours and ate an inappropriate amount of free popcorn. I caught up on Kate Gosselin and Casey Anthony and then I really felt depressed. On the way home it started raining. Then I turned on the radio and heard the two newscasters trying to entice listeners to donate by describing the free Squirrel T-shirt gift. But their hearts were not into it. One of them said, "Give over 100 dollars and you'll get this free squirrel T-shirt." The other said, "Not everyone knows what a squirrel T-shirt is." And the first one replied, "It's a T-shirt with a squirrel logo. I'm not sure why that's our logo but it is."

"Dang," I thought as I took a left at the restaurant that served me E.Coli and pulled onto my street, "Nobody can get it up for this day."

Now, back at my desk, I keep looking towards the bathroom, waiting for the inevitable to occur. In a few minutes, mark my words, I'm going to get up and run a bath. Then I will sit in the bath and dissolve into a human gel, and maybe tomorrow I'll reconstitute and feel a little better. Maybe I'll sell a story to a magazine, get a hundred bucks up front and donate it to 94.9 KUOW and get a rodent shirt. I mean who knows, maybe it's nice.

ADDENDUM! This note is being added AFTER I hit publish. I never do this BUT just as I was drawing the bathwater I opened a letter from my insurance telling me they were discontinuing my health insurance. Not just my insurance but anybody with Premera Heritage Preferred Plus 30. The letter ends with this mocking little lie:  
We appreciate the opportunity to serve your healthcare needs.

I'm sorry Premera but WORDS HAVE MEANING.  You don't just write whatever sounds good. You just took away my insurance, why not just end it with a, "Blow off, loser!"

I'm sorry but DID I NOT CALL THAT. I refer to lines 10-11 in the above post.  This day sucks. I'm going to go into the bath and dissolve now.


Alex said...

Well at least you got the world's most dog damned cutest dog ever, that's worth something!

Stormy said...

love this Melina. Baths always make
a person feel better. Next time write
a pre and post bath thingie Cool doggie.

John said...

I love Casey Anthony!!

But you're right that today has not been a good day. And I didn't even haven't use my AK.

a girl and a crock said...

I read your blog about once a month when I have 5 extra minutes on my computer and I actually remember to check your blog. Each time I do check, I am rewarded with your REAL words and a feeling like I can relate to someone I don't even know. I had a crap tastic day as well, and a smile appeared on my pathetic mug at the end of your entry. Your humor is Goldilockish-just-right. Thanks for letting us in.

Melina said...

Thanks guys. I never want to get on here and just whine, but I do want to be real and write everything.

So, thank you.

Also, I went to taco tuesday that night after improv and all these strangers were doing the wave. Needless to say, I felt better.

Lucy said...

Hi Melina

I just read your comment on Kelle Hampton's post on Fall traditions, and your description of Fall in your hometown was so much the American Fall I dream about (yet also not a million miles from my Uk autumn memories) that I had to click on you! Hope to catch up with your blog soon and read more, Lucy

Melina said...

Hi lucy! Thanks for reading and leaving comments, hope to see you here more often!

Hilary said...

I love your dog! So cute.. Baths always make me feel better, but I am usually too lazy to fill the tub...

Syria said...

If your insurance appreciates the opportunity to serve your health care needs why are they taking the opportunity to serve your health care needs? You don't go into a restaurant where a waiter says, "I appreciate the opportunity to serve you food." and then he doesn't bring you food. You are right, stupid words. Maybe you should extend again the opportunity for them to serve your health care needs under your old plan. They will appreciate it!