Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Looking to Cuddle your Dog?

Last night my friend Sammy came over. This is a big deal because Sammy is from Bridgewater,Vermont and she is the loudest, crassest, most hysterical person I know. She was visiting with her cousin Becca and boyfriend Jesse, also loud, crass, hysterical Vermonters. They had driven across the entire country and finally they were here, just in time for Thanksgiving.

I got on the phone and begged my best friend Lisa to come over after work and hang out with us. I wanted her to see just what a wild, raucous bunch my fellow Vermonters are. So I found a recipe for something called Cinnamon Pumpkin Ricotta Cheese Cake Pie and cooked it up as an incentive for everyone to come over. All of the above people are very food-motivated.

Well the Vermonters did come over, bringing red wine and bottles of beer with silver fishes on the labels and their enormous, house-shaking laughter, but the pie was a disaster. I should have taken a hint from the recipe, Cinnamon Pumpkin Ricotta Cheese Cake Pie, and gone in a different direction. Obviously the baker over at cooks.com didn't know what the hell it was supposed to be...pie? Cake? Lasagna? Breakfast? It was sort of all three mashed together with no taste. Big disappointment, but that's okay, it only took the entire day to make.

When the allure of the pie evaporated,  the Vermont crowd soon lost interest in my abode and decided to head to the other side of Ballard and play board games at the house of yet another Vermonter, Jess. "She really wants us to go over there and play board games," said Sammy. But I learned on the drive over that there had been a car crash that day, involving the Jess's car that Jess's ex-boyfriend was driving (the ex-boyfriend who is from New Hampshire, so yeah, big surprise!) and Sammy really wanted to learn the sordid details. That's why we were going over there. Nobody actually cared about the board games, especially not Jess, who was in bed when we arrived and acted very polite but confused. By then it was 10:00 pm, Lisa was out of work and heading over to my house and I just forgot to call her. Damn it, Melina!

Poor Lisa shows up prepared for a little party and some delicious cheesecake pie. She's probably holding a six pack of micro-brewed Holiday beer because that's the kind of thoughtful person she is. But the house is empty and the kitchen is a mess, and right in the middle of the cluttered counter there the wreckage of a pumpkin pie cheese whatever the hell, and no whipped cream left. Apparently, she tasted the pie and was incredibly put off by it, as we all were.

But this is why she's my best friend. She didn't just leave. Instead, she sat down at the dining room table and cut a ransom out of the Stranger. She used a knife and Athletic tape since we have no scissors or glue. Then she pinned it on the door to my room. Then she kidnapped Hometeam.

If you can't read it: Looking to cuddle your dog? I have her! Take actions now. Provide Toys Strippers and Shot of Whiskey. WARNING! Don't talk to the cops! No ifs, ands or BUTTS! Love, Rainn Wilson (accompanied by Rainn Wilson Cartoon.)

I just had to write that little story. And the best part? She didn't actually take the dog. According to my roommate who came home in the middle of this, Lisa took the dog as far as the car, but then came back to the house all wet from the rain and said, "Well, you know, I really want to kidnap her but I'm going over my boyfriend's house and there's another dog there, so....so I'm just going to leave her here, if that's okay with you." But she left the ransom note all the same.

Such gentle fun.


Anonymous said...

Yes, I love Lisa as well.

nick said...

probably was going to do this with her

Anonymous said...

I am jealous of your life.