|This post is written especially for Gayley and her kindness. Gayley, there is something very special in the mail for you!|
These days- in their sameness and their routine of pills, chores, rest, walks- blend together, and on the days where it seems like I am not recovering, the very essence of time starts to blur. Doesn't there have to be change in order for there to be time? Maybe not. I don't know. But then in the midst of such questions I'll see an advertisement in the paper for Halloween decorations and it reminds me that things are moving forward, however slowly, however strangely.
Whoever designed that particular advertisement and arranged it in the right hand corner of the Mountain Times had no idea that a girl, sitting at the breakfast table one morning, scratching the dog with her foot, would find such triumph in reading it. That she would stand up and exclaim, "I KNEW IT!" then march it over to the bedroom where her husband was still waking up and say, "You see? This summer will end! It should be over soon!"
Fighting was fear and convulsions and herxing and tremors, fearing food and telling my husband I was ready to give up and crawl back home to my childhood bed in the upstairs of my parents' house. Fighting also meant taking my medicine at exactly the right time every singe day, spending hours each night researching and taking notes, weekly acupuncture and therapy and daily PEMF treatment, salt baths, saunas and screaming and conjuring an enormous amount of strength and courage just to get out of bed every morning.
I wouldn't describe my summer as anything like that. Now I sit across from Whitney at the cafe and compare symptoms the way two mothers might compare the behavior of their two year olds. We roll our eyes and pay half attention- what's new this week? I'm sure this stage won't last too long, what else is new?
One thing she made clear, however, is that because of my personality, I'm at a big risk for "Blowing it." Those are her words. David agrees with that wholeheartedly. He sees me wanting to take on more and more as I start to feel better- more writing assignments, bigger excursions away from the house, more exercise. We've agreed that traveling to New Hampshire for alternative treatment at a Lyme Clinic in September, a couple of low-stress articles for Roots Rated and a low residency course in positive psychology coaching that I'm starting in October along with Whitney should be more than enough. I'll travel home for Christmas but no trips besides that.