Saturday, February 15, 2014
The very slow
The snow came on Wednesday, and the town shut down for days.
I want to go to school. I want to get through the text book as fast as possible. I want to finish this class and the next and the next, get into nursing school and then finish nursing school and become a nurse so that I can have a good income and be able to finally buy that really expensive blender that everyone has now.
You know the one.
But I'm at the bottom of the bottom of the bottom. I'm at the cellular level, chiseling away at things I learned in high school. Not that I can remember them, but I feel so thrown back. So completely humbled.
I'm starting all over with school, with my career, with these big pieces of my life. I go to community college in a mountain town in a state where I have no roots. The first day of class the professor asked if anyone had children, and just about every girl raised her hand. I have no children. And I have to study and study just to keep up. It feels surreal; I already went to college, I already have a degree. That doesn't matter. Being back in school is putting me in my place.
Silks is putting me in my place as well, which is to say it's kicking the shit out of me.
He'll say, "Don't worry, the spot will desensitize soon."
He told me I needed to wear cotton pants when I get to level two, because some of the drops are so fast they will cause polyester fabric to melt onto your skin.
When I first started, I didn't believe the twisted fabric could hold me up, so I clenched the silks in a death grip. I tried to fake my way through the climbs and poses by using all strength and no technique. The girls around me are doing mid-air splits and arching their legs above their heads, grabbing their feet. I started waking up in the morning with stiff, swollen fingers. I would have to stop silks altogether if I didn't learn to let go.
I thought that because I've been climbing for so long and people tell me I look strong, that I'd sail through aerial and blow everyone's mind and be asked to join the company. But I struggle with knee hooks and basic climbs, and I have to be reminded to breathe and to put my tongue back in my mouth, because it's an art, not a sport.
Starting is the most difficult part. Everything seems overwhelming and impossible. And I've started, thank goodness. But the long road to nursing school, the steady but so far paltry accumulation of knowledge, the painful practicing and tedious repetition of basic moves in the aerial studio, it all seems like very slowest process in the world.
But there really is no speeding it up, there is only the very slow, the head down, the day by day.
Posted by Melina