Thursday, August 21, 2014

my big, white bed

I know I'm getting older because I don't take as many pictures of myself. I don't really like the way I look in them anymore. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm ugly. It's just I no longer think I'm pretty enough to warrant being the sole subject of a photo.

But I still take just as many pictures, which has put the load squarely on:
There are a lot of very pretty bloggers out there. Has anyone else noticed that? I daresay there seems to be a correlation between being pretty and skinny and having a popular site.

Sometimes I poke around on those big famous blogs and I've noticed that they all have a few things in common. 

One is cheekbones. Cheekbones and adorably mess hair. 

I don't have cheekbones unless I am sucking a viscous liquid through a straw, and believe me when I say that when someone near me has a camera, I rush to find a drink.

Another thing these very famous blogger all have is a big, white bed. White everything! White sheets, white comforter, white pillow cases over white pillows and a big white wall behind them. There's usually something to decorate the wall, something minimal, like a bone or a feather or a thread. 

The bed makes the big blogs a lot. There are a disproportionate number of pictures of the bed, sometimes with curly haired toddlers messed up in the sheets, or tiny swaddled infants sleeping right there in the center.  

I don't have any kids, but nothing was stopping me from having that big white famous-blogger bed. Colors? Patterns? Not in my house! Not anymore! 

I found all the white linens at TJ Maxx. Then I set it all up and called a few friends to brag about my big, crisp, immaculate white bed.  

"That sounds risky," they said. (I tend to night-eat. And other reasons.)

But I am a grown up so I didn't worry. 

I had a great first night in that bed, in my new bedroom in our new house, although I was almost too excited to sleep. I stared at the ceiling for a while, imagining the fame that was waiting for me right around the corner, now that I had this effortlessly minimal existence. The next morning morning I planned to drink a little cup of coffee on a big wooden table. Later in the afternoon I'd busy myself by placing a sprig of white flowers into a mason jar. 

But instead, I made the bed the next morning and found blood. Little spots of blood randomly dotting the sheets and the duvet cover.

First, the anger hit. Then the frustration. Then the fear. Did that blood come from me?? How? When? From where? CANCER?

Probably. 

Dave came home that night and I sat him down and solemnly explained the situation. I did not go into detail about my hopes and dreams regarding the white bed, and how they were all dead now. He wouldn't understand. I focused instead on how it was probably me who was bleeding, from an unknown orifice, at an unknown hour, and the big bad things that lay in store for me.

He studied my face for just a moment. Then he pulled up his pant leg and showed me the scab on his leg. "I picked at it all day long yesterday," he said. "It was really bleeding."

I was really relieved. But the fact remains that my white bed didn't even last one night. I decided to dab at the the spots with my Shout Pen, but not to pull the sheets off and wash them. Wrestling my feather comforter into that duvet cover AGAIN is too much. It's too much. 

No kids, no white bed, no cheekbones. And not as much to write about these days, because I'm back in school. Back to being the star of Asheville Buncome Technical Community College. 

That's right. 

I don't know who I am anymore.

28 comments:

Kristen Haun said...

David and Jeffrey have the picking gene. Brian does not. Hear that story from Jeffrey next time you see him. Well, that's the whole story really, but it's funnier when Jeffrey tells it. :)

Anonymous said...

I love your blog. You have a wonderful artistic eye and are a wonderful writer. I honestly think you are cutting yourself short! You are beautiful and skinny! I'm so glad to see you writing again.

Kirsten Gardner said...

I have a bare yellow wall above my bed. I think a single thread would really tie the room together. Apologies for the pun and delighted you are writing again! Xoxo

Beth said...

This is hilarious! You are so right! I have coveted that big, white bed myself sometimes. And the tiny cups of coffee. And the flowers in the mason jar. Not so much the kids, but I'll catch that bug eventually, I'm sure.

Chelsea said...

I am a long time reader but a first time commenter. I am an (almost) 28 year old with a big white bed. While I love the idea of the crisp white linens, I also share a house with a cat who is half covered in black fur and also loves my big white bed. Struggles. Thanks for posting!

Amanda in Seattle said...

Every time I bring out all the white, expensive bedding I pour coffee on it. Of course, now that we have a great dane puppy... everything nice is hidden.

Soak your bedding in oxiclean / hot water overnight when you do get around to washing. It will magically disappear (as do coffee, red wine stains, etc) - I promise!

I've missed your writing & photos!!

Breanna Hanson said...

And can we talk about white bath linens?? Am I the only one out here who cuts her legs shaving (every time)?

Anonymous said...

Ha! This is fantastic. I can't even read blogs that feature unending photographs of white linens and perfectly messy toddlers. Maybe it's envy, I don't know. But I love your authenticity and polka dotted sheets. So glad you're writing again.

Amanda Buck said...

LOL! Oh my, you are too funny!! And, I totally agree. (Oh, and I too would be freaking out at the sight of blood upon wakening. Like, OMG I must be dying. Seriously, just ask my husband). Hope school is going well!!

Amanda Craig said...

I think I just came to this conclusion myself (about other famous blogs) and I'm here to say that actually deters me from reading. It's all more of the same.
Your voice and look is refreshing!

Darlene said...

Is much rather read a YOUR words!!! Glad your back writing again!!!

Anonymous said...

Melina, i've never commented before but I want you to know that I love your writing. Thanks for sharing yourself on the interwebs. [and please know that there are lots of us who read your posts and think "yes, I connect with that. That's exactly it"- case in point, I spent time yesterday pondering whether a move from the pacific northwest is required for light, big white bed photos.. How do I engineer my own bright, shadow-less dreamy life? ahem. photos, I mean.]

-Emily

Aimee said...

aww bless your heart.
Just embrace the other sort of blogger - the mismatched bedding, clashing coloured sun-faded quilt, cat hair covered bed one. The 'put flowers in a mason jar and promptly forget them, so they dry up, wilt and the water goes green' ones.
The ones who's banana cake looks like building bricks and who meant to drink green smoothies every day but the reality of coffee and chocolate get them through the day.
Those who have 2 sofas in the sitting room, only one is so permanently buried under washing piles no one actually realises its there.
Embrace those of us who no longer take selfies because, lets be honest, no lighting or angle is going to make us look 24 again, and who cares, flattering selfies are overrated.

The plus about white sheets - wash on hot, stains will all be gone.

Lisa said...

Water is the universal solvent. Don't underestimate the power of soaking (take it from someone who used cloth diapers)!

Alannah said...

I wish I could do the big white bed against plain white walls - it sure looks good on Instagram but it's just so.....BORING. I need stuff and clutter and color and pictures and textures to keep my brain happy.

Heather Goodell said...

Ha! Too funny. Good to know you don't have cancer :) That is totally how life goes!

Anonymous said...

Hey Melina,

I almost never comment, but I wanted to share my philosiphy on white bedding, 'cause I really think you might be getting the wrong idea about these all-white beds with golden retriever puppies and toddlers on them. Maybe I'm crazy, but I think people do white sheets because it really is the only low-maintenance bedding solution. Or, at least that's why I do it.

Seriously. First of all, when everything's white, it all matches. No more mystery pillow cases that don't seem to go with anything else. Second of all, who seriously wants to run around soaking and soaping and soaking again and shot-penning their bedding to death?! No one. Just throw bleach in your wash with all your all-white bedding and all-white towels. That's the reason--the only reason--this klutzy, accident-prone, randomly scraped and bruised from walking into things girl has a big, all-white bed. My messy, accident-prone frisbee and soccer playing self and my always-randomly-leaking-from-a-scab climber-skier boyfriend sleep every night in an all-white bed where we spill coffee and breakfast burritos and somehow manage to get hilighter and blue pen on everything. Because, eventually, all the other colors get stained. No matter what. And shout pens and color-safe bleach just don't seem to cut it! I hope you can give all-white a try again, because it has unexpectedly simplified my life, as the only type of bedding you can really truly get clean, thanks to that simple (albeit unsavory smelling) cleaning solution from the 1700s! Good luck!

XO
Jessie

mellymilagro said...

Oh my God. That is the funniest thing I've read in awhile. You are a WRITER!! That's what you are. And the picture of Hometeam at the end is just perfect. Well done!

mellymilagro.com said...

Oh my God. That is the funniest thing I've read in awhile. You are a WRITER!! That's what you are. And the picture of Hometeam at the end is just perfect. Well done!

Lisa said...

Yeah, but you have a great sense of humor and an awesomely cute dog, so it balances out. :-)

katrkatekate said...

Your blog is my favorite blog.

Sian said...

oh I love your blog!

Anonymous said...

I know exactly which perfectly messy haired owner of a big white bed and mother of the curly headed toddler this was inspired by. I like life in colour, the richer and more vibrant the better. I think you're great.

Seeing Each Day said...

It's always a pleasure to read your words - thank you.

Rhett said...

Great post. I loved it. I'm with ya on the little spots of blood on white linens. Boys...

meg bird said...

"Dave came home that night and I sat him down and solemnly explained the situation. I did not go into detail about my hopes and dreams regarding the white bed, and how they were all dead now. He wouldn't understand. I focused instead on how it was probably me who was bleeding, from an unknown orifice, at an unknown hour, and the big bad things that lay in store for me."

hahahaha. Oh I love this so much. I was thinking that same thing, the correlation between physically appealing people and popular blogs. I guess the world never really stops being high school.

Leenie said...

You made my day. You should get in the pictures for sure. One life and this is it. And also just a thought because I have been forgetting lately...when you become an old lady, your mind might "go" and being in the photos will help you remember. I say this at the young age of 42.

Emily said...

You are wonderful.